On the Importance of Pausing and Reflecting

I've had a perfect storm of parenting reflection recently.

Exhibit 1: Ainsley's Birthday Party

Rachel and I were talking about Ainsley's birthday party on FB recently (Sunday night? I've lost all concept of time...). She was praising me for my diligence in decorating the house for A's party. I responded with something to the effect of "I'm overcompensating because I'm gone so much."  Rachel empathized.

And later I kinda realized that many of my perfectionist issues (like making the "perfect" cake) stem from this nascent thing inside of me that feels that I'm not being the mother I could be...should be...whatever. Probably left over 50s gender stereotyping Leave It to Beaver bullshit. 

Exhibit 2: Appreciating the Moment

Kiddy dog pile!

Yesterday, Ainsley and I ran some quick errands to the mall. I wanted to hit JCPenneys and Kohls to look for sleeper pajamas for both kids and comfy clothes for Xander. Ainsley and I were walking past the big water fountain; we needed to throw all the pennies I had into the fountain. That was imperative. But then Ainsley remembered that the mall playground was near the fountain and asked to go. 

We were running late; we hadn't found anything for them yet, we hadn't even gotten to Kohls, and it was getting near dinner/bed time.  But I relented. I just couldn't say no...so we went.  

Moving faster than
the speed of my camera!

It was a really good group of kids at the playground. No too big kids pushing around the little ones, no inappropriately free too little ones. Just lots and lots of kids running around like crazy people jumping, sliding, laughing, and having general fun. The pictures that I took are all blurry, but I decided they really reflect what watching these kids was really like. 

While I was letting them play, I sent Sean a text letting him know we'd gotten detoured. It said something like "I made the mistake of getting too close to the playground. I am dumb." He responded with "So let her play." 

*sidenote* Sean's generally the more level-headed and laid back of the two of us...so I took great pride in the fact that my decision coincided with his advice.

Watching her play was wonderful. She was so happy, and it took only a few minutes for her to start playing with and engaging the other kids. I could see her little mind working as she watched the kids who already knew each other interact and figure out how to join them. 

At one point, the little girl she was playing with pointed to me and said something to Ainsley. Ainsley, in her usual matter-of-fact fashion said, "That's my mom."

And I cried. I attribute the crying to 3 things: 1) Watching her assert that to a stranger with the certainty of Ainsley was touching, 2) It made me begin to realize that much of my kvetching about working isn't affecting her in the negative ways that I'm imagining, and 3) I'm PMSing.

Exhibit 3: The Feminist Breeder Reads My Mind

This morning, I read this post by the Feminist Breeder. Her posts are generally awesome, but it was this line from the penultimate paragraph that spoke to me and gave me my Cher "SNAP OUT OF IT!" moment:

 But getting my education and working are two things that I do for mine and my families current and future livelihood, too. They aren’t cute little hobbies that I can just put off until I’m all done raising my kids. This is PART of raising them.

Thanks to Rachel, Ainsley, and The Feminist Breeder for my perspective. Awesome ladies, indeed.